I love nature. Really I do. Nature is amazing and gives me a plethora of inspiration. My soul just feels content when I can hear the ocean or the wind in the trees. My entire body decompresses the second my feet touch a warm sandy beach. Nature is a muse unlike any other.

 

But the second that nature enters my home my stress level rises just the teensiest bit.

 

Our first story starts with the adorableness that is Darren and my first apartment. I was a huge fan of the buy 10 get 1 free deals at the grocery store and he was a huge fan of leaving open soda cans on any flat surface he could find. Darren had tossed a kitchen towel towards the sink and it knocked over a full can of soda all over the counter and the floor. As I was cleaning it up I noticed these little black specks. They made me wonder when was the last time I had used pepper and how in the world did I get pepper way over here. Until the pepper moved.

 

Turns out you can’t just keep those buy 10 get 1 free boxes of instant noodles for the apocalypse. You should actually use them or else the buggy bugs will. Stinkers. I spent the rest of the evening (we won’t mention that I didn’t sleep) cleaning out the pantry and scrubbing everything in sight with the strongest disinfectant I could find. In-between every few scrubs I would scratch…I was convinced they were all over me. This was the first time Darren threatened to duct tape oven mitts to my hands.

 

Fast forward a couple years to our next story when my sweet kiddo brought me the gift of lice. I cried that day. When I finally got the courage to contact the place that was watching said sweet kiddo they said, ‘oh yes, we know…its been going around’. I spent the next 2 weeks under quarantine with a toddler and an infant, cleaning every inch of the house. Washing sheets daily, vacuuming mattresses, boiling clothing, cleaning carpets, and checking everyone, including the dogs every twenty minutes. This was the second time Darren threatened the mitts.

 

The third time was a few days after the lice-a-palooza of 2006 when I took the dogs to the groomer and the groomer called me to ask if I wanted to pay for the flea bath. I laughed, told her she was funny since we don’t have fleas here in Colorado. The sweet woman laughed back asking if my home had any open space around us as they have been seeing fleas this year out in the open space. *sigh* Yes, yes I do.

 

After I picked myself up off the floor from twitching in the fetal position I called an exterminator and was introduced to the world of ‘bombing the house’

 

Great. Aaaand the oven mitts are on.

 

I will never forget the beautiful spring day that I left the back door open to let the delightful breeze in and promote the puppies come and go as they like, only to be curious about the thump-thump-thump sound I heard. When my sweet preschooler and I go to investigate, we find that it is a robin trying to escape out of the house through the kitchen window. Jack rushes to find our new guest some treats and I rush into panic mode. Just like I’m sure our new robin friend was doing. I can’t thank him enough for being perched over the sink instead of somewhere not so disinfectant-able.

 

But Sarah, you love birds! Dude, there is a huge difference between a ceramic bluebird of happiness on my mantel and a live bird that has actually found its way into my home to peck my eyes out. The good news is that I now know how to get a live bird out of the house. Did I cry the whole time I was right next to said bird moving slowly not to startle him yet still open the window and pop out the screen? Yup, and I’m sure the poor guy was crying on the inside too.

 

This last ‘nature experience’ was just the other day. (and yes, I am saying ‘last’ on purpose…a girl can dream, cant she?)

 

There they were….2 ants. In my house.

 

Yes, I hear you….when I was telling a sweet friend of mine the story she said the same thing. ‘Wait Sar, did you say TWO?’

 

Yes, I said two. Two mocking, judging, conspiring, whispering ants that were hiding all their friends from me.

 

Yes, today’s dose of crazy is being brought to you commercial free.

 

I spent the next few hours trying to find where they were coming from. Sadly it wasn’t my most beautiful moment. Couches were moved, floors were scrubbed in a frenzy, baseboards were examined inch by inch. And I waited. And waited. Scratching my neck and arms the whole time to free me of my phantom ants.

 

Let’s stop for just one moment and come back to reality. Shall we?

 

Remember I love nature. Huge fan. I make sure not to step on the ant on the sidewalk and I also put the worms back in the grass after it rains. We all remember my love for wild turtles, right? And Spiders? They are totally cool at THEIR house, not mine.

 

Which brings me back to ants, ants live in colonies. Colony: a distinguishable localized population within a species. POPULATION. Somewhere here, in my house. More scratching.

 

When I sent Darren the picture of the 2 ants his only response was that I was not to use fire in any way. He’s lame.

 

So I sat and I itched. I finally found how they were coming into the house & will spare you with the uneventful redirection of this colony that can now live out their days in their home, not mine.

 

*double sigh*

 

Please tell me you’ve found a bug or two someplace it shouldn’t be? I’m not the only one, right?